so many days i've thought of you

It’s about time you knew the truth
Got to act quickly, you and I
We fall in love, so many reasons why

I dedicate the above to my pillow...on my couch: because that's where i long to be right now...there have been too many a recent night where i have not received the 8 hours that a healthy relationship with my pillow requires. it's not going to happen tonight either...

this is how it's going down at 2-ish am on this hmmm, i don't know what day it is, but it's sort of definitely tomorrow and no longer today, even though, that is sort of impossible...and with that, i am reminded of T.S. Eliot:

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.

i have a presentation to do tomorrow...the time limit: 15 minutes...the number of powerpoint slides i have 43...i'm no math major, but...i'm not sure how that is going to all work out...but i don't think it will

i still have 2 slides to complete with words, 2 slides to scan charts into in the morn, and then 10 handouts to copy, each containing 48 slides...

and currently i am waiting on a sunkist to unfreeze a little bit...it's been in the freezer since about this time, but 24 hours prior to this time (refer to ts again)

and the thought of tonight, the blogging break (2 points, scattergories) thought of the night is that there are so many things that reference the night...perhaps it's because that is where we are to drift off to who knows where...some talking, some walking, some doing (c) all of the above...

i have still not fully decompressed last weekend, which i fully intend on doing, perhaps this weekend...i got some things to think about, to process, to question...to learn...but it will wait:

tonight, a medly (ish)
In peace I will both lie down and sleep, For You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety... looking around wondering what this is for...sure it's fine but i don't think i need this anymore...please don't wake me up, you're such a perfect dream of all i ever...wanted at all so unreal, so sureal but, you're just a dream you're far away...Look to the past...And remember and smile...And maybe tonight...I can breathe for a while...I'm not in the scene...I think i'm fallin' asleep...But then all that it means is...I'll always be dreaming of you...Mon amour.L'aventure commence...Sweet dreams, jellybean...I'm coming out of my cage...And I've been doing just fine...Gotta gotta be down...Because I want it all...it started out with a kiss...How did it end up like this...It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss...Now I'm falling asleep...In a dream my love, you will find my heart...So goodnight, goodnight...Walk away from the door...Walk away from my life...Goodnight...Check the phone, just incase...Go to bed...Dream of you....And take a look at what we've become...A tragedy, but I can't find that love...That we started with so long ago...And I know this isn't right...It's the last time I'll be kissing you...So goodnight, goodnight...

it's been a while, since i first saw you

well...or since i've written anything on the blog circuit...

i love it when my friends make me mix cds...they're incredible

i don't know, it something about hearing some Weezer, Say it Ain't So on the same CD as Big Pimpin, i mean...it's fun!

(that's a plug for any of the one of you that reads this who might want to make me a cd??)...(tricky tricky)

you taught me everything, and everything you've given me, i always keep it inside

i joke on this boy, who's super nice and super cool and has a super middle name, about hating his parents...i know he doesn't...it's not possible with this man...(i hope he knows i'm just kidding with him?)

so...i think it's always fascinating when you learn something new about your parents or when you learn something new about yourself from your parents...

well...i learned the other month that my mother was once a copy editor...HOW COOL IS THAT? i so wanted to be one of those once...

AND I WAS...i lasted like 2 hours at the Crimson White, fulfilling some requirement for some journalism class...and it was over and i said, "not again"

yesterday i learned some more stuff referring to my name....i asked where "christine" came from...

and i learned...NOWHERE! well, that's okay...

my mom said that you can't put just anything with anneliese...anneliese elizabeth...now that's way too much, so she said that anneliese christine just seemed to fit okay...

and she said that if i didn't like anneliese (cause you have so many options at birth to talk about how you do or do not like your name), then there were plenty of other options, like "liese" or "christine" or "chris" or "TINA"

she also said that never in a million years did she imagine me as an "anna," it throws her off...COME ON, mom! you silly thing...anna's like the first natural instinct when shortening my name! and you're like a national merit scholar...

but i will now add "tina" the list of names...you may call me that, and i will work on training myself to respond...

signing out,

"i'm with the band...TINA!"

Everybody knows it hurts to grow up and everybody does...

the day she ordered a fish....


today i am such a grown up...

I am 24 years old plus 7 months plus another 8 days...

and for the first time in my life today i did two things...add them to my "never have i ever before 2006" email...

(1) i ordered a fish--i hear it's good for you...i don't really like it, but i'll deal with it...and it wasn't too bad...kinda strange taste to it..but i think it was how it was supposed to be

(2) i paid my taxes ALL BY MYSELF...yep, that's right, i wrote that 1290-something dollar check and i wrote that 65 dollar check...and now i am poor, broke, ain't got no cash, etc, etc, etc...charity please?

or at least kind words...

Say my name, say my name...

i have a hard name...it's true, it's fact, i know this!

where did it come from? well, i've actually never asked my parents where they got my middle name, it's Christine...but the first one...they got it from an opera singer

an opera singer, i'm lucky, so i've been told that it's wasn't a character out of an opera, cause you know that could be even stranger

Anyways, my name...people often comment that they have no idea how to spell it...i am 24 years old today and i often forget some letters, but as a student brought up the other year, it is actually pretty easy...

do it with me, if you like:

Anne
lies
(with an E)

Anneliese

there it is...

you might remember it because i am indeed a liar...i lie A LOT...except for that i usually correct the lie within minutes if not seconds of the initial fib, or usually exaggeration

do you need to see my name again: it's ANNELIESE

now--that's not to say that you have to call me that...it's intimidating, i know

i've had many a nick-name...and i'll be the first to say that you absolutely cannot pick your nickname, you get what you get and you're stuck with it, and you better be okay with it, because otherwise, you will still be called that nickname and a snob

some of my nicknames (and dedication portion)

Crazy: My JPayne calls me "crazy" and she sings to me, I'm CRAZY, crazy for feeling....

Liese: My parents, grandparents, relatives in general all call me Liese...they don't sing anything while calling me that

On-A-Leash: Matt Carpenter...he just didn't hear the real name correctly, and that's what i became..i'm okay with that

Anna-Wiesel: is that how you spell that? i don't even know...but again, my friend David Jones thought that my parents called me that when he heard my parents calling me in the background of a phone conversation...

Anne: I tried to give myself that nickname (with an "e" of course) during an 8th grade summer camp, but quickly realized that i forgot to answer to it...it didn't work out so well

Annabell: The congressman that i worked for called me annabell, i mentioned that earlier...you cannot correct a congressman, or so i'm told, so i just said, "yes i am"...i support E. A. Poe and Anna Bel Lee, even though it's a bit morbid, so i can come to terms with the name

Anna: i mean, it's a given

Annie: what can i say...i fear it is a little condescending, but it's okay...but, if you must call me annie, please sing smooth criminal while you're calling me!...i referred to "annie" in an earlier post

Natalie: an international student that i have had 4 classes with over 3 years continues to call me "natalie"---well, it's been way too long, i ain't correcting her now

Anna Laura: this is new...again, i can't correct the individual who calls me Anna Laura, nor can anyone else, so it seems...so, well, looks like i'm answering to Anna Laura now!

There you have it...i should respond to the names above, and you may pick which one suits you for me....that is fine...but i say it again...my name is Anneliese, just in case there was any confusion

let me enlighten you...this is the way i pray

You are big. You are good. You are complete. You are joy. You are justice and You are mercy. You are grace. You are real. You change me while you are constant and consistent. You listen. You respond. You keep your promises. You are considerate. You are...

To whom much is given, much is required, and i think You for your gifts and your blessings in my life. i confess my stubbornness. i confess that i don't remember that you become greater when i become less. i confide in you that i place my trust in untrustworthy things...i confess my fear for "the new" though i know that You are in control. i confess that i look for worth and acceptance and love and like and laughter in people before you, not after you...

i thank you for countless things that i canoot even put into words. i thank You that your presence demands and commands glory, and i thank You that i am able to revere You for who You are, not only what You do...i thank You, today, specifically, for a man who came into my life in january, and who has, for the past four months, reminded me of you. i thank you that you have revealed yourself to him and i thank you that you saved him. i thank you that i can be vulnerable (or something) enough to praise you for allowing him to be a part of my life. i thank you for his honesty and his passion and his faithfulness. i thank you that he takes time out of him weeks to consider me. i thank you that out of thoughts manifested in words, i am constantly encouraged to consider You and to consider others above myself. he makes me smile and he makes me laugh out loud. i thank you that as i learn more about him, i learn more about You because he is yours. i thank you that he calls you Father and you call him child.

i pray that You keep touching his life in ways that he knows it is you. i pray that he keeps your glory in mind as he makes his hourly, his daily decisions. i pray that i may be of even the most subtle of encouragement, paling in comparison to how he has touched my life. i pray for his family, who has also touched my life, and i repeat your words back to you:

To you, O LORD, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: "What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me; O LORD, be my help." You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

i pray for his trust, that it remains unfailing. i pray for his drive, that he is driven to pursue You and to pursue yours. i pray you keep him and his safe, wrapped in your protection. i pray that You continue to bless him and i pray that he continues to bless people--selfishly, i pray that he continues to bless me, because when i remember him, i remember You because You are his second nature...

i pray these words for him:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

In the Rough

Put your music player on shuffle.

Press forward for each question.

Use the song title as the answer to the question.

No Cheating.

How am I feeling today?: Izzo: H.O.V.A (He who does not feel me is not real to me, therefore he doesn't exist...so POOF, Vamoose, Son of a ...)

Will I get far in life?: So Beautiful

Where will I get Married?: We're An American Band

What is the story of my life?: We Belong Together

How can I get ahead in life?: Here Without You (Oh, you know who YOU are?---definitely not part of "we" mentioned above)

What is in store for this weekend?: Talk

What song describes my parents?: Away from the Sun (sure, they don't really like the beach)

To describe my grandparents?: Goodbye My Lover (well, that's strange)

What do my friends really think of me?: Cruel

Do people secretly lust after me?: 03 Bonnie and Clyde

Will I ever have children?: Conceived

What is some good advice for me?: Nice Day

What is my signature dancing song?: Black Horse and the Cherry Tree

What type of men/women do you like?: Boston

Now next song will be the topic name you post for the bulletin

Dedication portion: This was actually really fun, even though I'm cruel....Thanks Junior!

thank you disillusionment

and thank you alanis...for being so clear in moments of confusion...she writes, "thank you disillusionment, thank you nothingness, thank you clarity, thank you, thank you silence..." and i will call her genius.

and i will remember her as i am "praying for love and paying in naivety"

This one goes out to the one i love...

So...i think i will attempt to start every post out with a lyric from a song...whether great, such as REM, or mediocre, such as hoobastank...it WILL be done...(at least for now)

Things that i learned yesterday

I wrote a dear friend a message on thefacebook.com...We all know that i love words, i mean, i'm addicted, and i just don't know how to quit...them....they rock my to my very core!

So, this message that i wrote...i was just writing, and typing, and then, i reached a point and i could not type any more...it wouldn't let me. Thefacebook.com CUT ME OFF....what in the world? ...and i was just then getting to the good stuff? (yeah, probably not)

I also learned from that message of yesterday, i like ellipses. I mean, i know that i like them, but i realized just how much. In approximately 1800 words (which i realize is like a 6 page paper--oh well)...well, in those 1800 words, i used ellipses about 125 times...excessive? perhaps. But i really do think they break up thoughts and sentences appropriately whenever it's necessary...and in 1800 words, i believe it's necessary...

i was given a pop quiz yesterday...and i will go ahead and assume that he will not read this so it will be okay to share the thoughts on this and then to him later...the quiz, one question, paraphrased, who would you most like to meet (no longer living)

you would think...such an easy question, oh, i could be spitting off answers like Paul or Daniel (cause really dude, faith, i wouldn't be so successful with lions), Noah (all those animals...i'm scared of snakes, buddy, and the mice, oh the mice...how did you do it?)

but i don't want to lock myself into one of those answers...i feel as if once i write it down, i'm stuck. There's all sorts of famous people choices. But, somehow, i feel that's not for me. You can read about those folks. And, i know talking to someone ain't the same as reading about them, but still, you get some sort of idea.

I think rather, i might want to meet someone, rather passive in life, but full of spirit and wisdom and passionate. I don't know who that person is, i don't have a name at this moment. But someone who may have been overlooked, but who, within lies something amazing...it just wasn't ever shared. Does that make sense, i fear it might not. I would google him/her to find a name...but he/she wasn't known...so, i am without a definitive answer today.

Finally-ish...I don't speak anything but English. I have been introduced to Dora (the explorer, duh!) so i know a couple words in Spanish...and i am now okay with carrying my backpack on both shoulders, even though high school reflections tell me that the one-shoulder look is the ONLY way to go...but Dora, you're doing the two-shoulder thing, so i will trust your judgment...

I took my four semesters of French in high school...and i can conjugate a couple verbs, i know how to say "the record player is broken" and a couple other things...i can read some of it...and just between you and me, i like to watch movies with the French subtitle option ON, because i feel like I'm learning something, even though i'm probably kidding myself...

I can read the sweet sweet notes of music, and for that i am thankful...why didn't sight reading count as a foreign language in college, cause i would have hopped on that option in a FLASH!...love/music, the universal language.

But...i'm willing to try to oblige...i love knowledge, i yearn for some of it...so i will add some good language tricks below...

which leads me to this portion of...

The dedication part of this post:

(a) Junior...we all can't be speaking cool languages like you...but we'll try. Though i initially thought she was pretty stupid and had nothing for me, Shakira taught me a lot back in the day. i'll sing along with you girlfriend. You're pretty darn good. And that was when she was talking/singing to me in English...you put her in Spanish, and she gets even better.

No pido que todos los días sean de sol. No pido que todos los viernes sean de fiesta. Tampoco te pido que vuelvas rogando perdón. Si lloras con los ojos secos. Y hablando de ella. Ay amor me duele tanto. Que te fueras sin decir a dóndeAy amor fue una tortura... Perderte

(now, i don't know exactly what she's saying here....but i'm sure it could be true? and if it is totally inappropriate, i plead ignorance and beg for mercy)


(b) Kathryn...the French language...it's beautiful, no? The Good Book, it's beautiful, no? And that's even in country talk...so, you mix it up and put it in French...good news (bears)

1 Thessaloniciens 2

13C'est pourquoi nous rendons continuellement grâces à Dieu de ce qu'en recevant la parole de Dieu, que nous vous avons fait entendre, vous l'avez reçue, non comme la parole des hommes, mais, ainsi qu'elle l'est véritablement, comme la parole de Dieu, qui agit en vous qui croyez...

20Oui, vous êtes notre gloire et notre joie.

the reason is....you?

i'm not the world's greatest hoobastank fan...in fact, i barely can type the name, cause i think it's kind of strange...

The reason (part 1--the blog)

the purpose of the blog...see, i don't like blogs...i'm pretty much against them for me for this reason...i hope to write something one day, and i would much rather sell my thoughts than to just give them away for free....NOT that they are the world's best thoughts or anything, but you put a pretty cover on anything and at least a few people are bound to buy it, correct?

i am not against reading blogs though...kathryn's, junior's, eric's (you think these are real names??? hmmmm...who am i protecting, or not?) blogs daily, often three times daily

i just want to be their friend...these bloggers have links to their friends...there's a title: "FRIENDS" (in American, in French, it's all the same)---and i want to be labeled a friend! and you can't do it unless you have something to click on....

well, here i am...CLICK AWAY!

The reason (part 2--the name)
finally...a tribute:

annie are you okay:

this is for allison---she likes to dance along to the remake and original of fabulous song with these lyrics from the days of yore...

for i think margaret ila---i think she was watching the movie vertical limit with me at a random trailer in, what, 2001? 2002? and we were surrounded by all sorts of randoms, furries (but not "the furries" who like to dress up in animal costumes and do inappropriate things), etc...and the girl's name in the movie is "annie"---if smooth criminal could have been playing in the background of the ENTIRE movie, it would have been pure genius

for Mr. Cummings---my 8th grade science teacher who used to call me annie...he once threw an eraser at my face...i was once upon a time a bold student in the 8th grade and boy, i like to talk...you people know that!

for wesley-ish, who called me annie last week, and brought all the previous memories a flooding back into my life...thanks dawg

and for spencer...who, i'm sure, still thinks my name is "anna bell"